Wednesday, November 11, 2015

I am proud of you. I love you. Wonder Studio Class 6

At, the end of the day...I want to feel like a good mom.

I make the special lunches, I read them the right books, I listen to them when they talk, I send them to a good school...on and on, the list goes.
The other night, I was so tired, so emotionally and physically, I was tucking her in, she started to cry. She said she was scared. She said she needed me to "peek on her" more than just once. She said, she knew I wouldn't because I was probably going to just go to sleep.
I agreed with her and got a little mad. I just wanted a break. 
I went into my room, huffin and puffin... and I thought...I just want her to say good night, smile, and go to sleep. Then, I would know she is this perfect, well-adjusted kid, and I have been a good mom.
Then, a voice in my  head (yeah, I hear some voices sometimes, who cares!), said, "It's not her job to make you feel like a good mom."
Is that what I want from my children?  
Proof of days well spent?
Proof of time well sacrificed?
My kids are not my own personal accomplishments?

Wait a minute.
I have got to really think about this.
When children make achievements, you can sometimes hear the parent say, "I taught them that."
When they fail, you can sometimes hear the parent say, "I didn't teach you that."
If we can't take credit for our children's successes...does that mean, we cannot take credit for their bad behaviors too?
Where does this leave us?
Shall we abandon our efforts in good parenting?
I think probably not.

Every evening, as I put these kids into bed...I say, "I'm proud of you and I love you."

My children are not responsible for my "feeling good" about myself. 
I am.
If I feel empty, it's because I need to refill.

And, of course, it's not the work of my children to do this for me.

I can't exactly remember but...maybe I cried.

About nothing in particular. 
But, it helped.

In those moments of isolation (crying alone in the bathroom), I started to clear out the emptiness...and I began to slowly refill.

When you're on empty and need to refill...take those moments to do so. Whatever it is at that moment...I pray you can tell yourself at the end of the day...
I am proud of you. I love you.
Most days, I can still hear my own mother's voice saying those very same words to me.
And, she is a very good mom. And, I pray she says those same words to herself.
I am proud of you. I love you.