This week’s newsletter is from Friday’s Teacher Amy. She has really outdone herself here. I hope you will read this article and really contemplate what she advises. I have read this one about 3 times so far.
May we all listen deeply to our children so that one day they too will listen deeply to their children.
This past week (tenderness), we were able to practice deep listening through our first Quiet Observation week. I urge you to build the practice of quiet observation into your lives with your children.
If you feel moved or a sense of gratitude for this note, please respond to this email or to Amy directly to let her know you read this message. That lets us know that this work matters to you.
You can also hashtag us on FB or Instagram @thewonderstudio #thewonderstudiodeeplistening
Hello Wonderers!
Our practice for the week is listening deeply.
What does it mean to listen deeply?
In an article for Psychology Today, Diana Raab Phd says the goal of deep listening is to:
1. Acquire information
2. Understand a person or a situation
and
3. Experience pleasure.
She goes on to say that active listening is about making a conscious decision to hear what people are saying. It's about being completely focused on others- their words and their messages- without being distracted.
I would add, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.
I call this level of listening, holding space. It's not a term I coined myself. I'm sure I stole it from Brene Brown.
I think of holding space in a very visual way.
I see myself providing a protective bubble around the speaker and the listener.
In this bubble there can be no judgement.
It is a SAFE place for someone to tell their story, experience and share their feelings freely, and it is my job to keep that bubble in place.
Listening deeply or as I like to call it, holding space is NOT about attempting to solve a problem or offer solutions. That's a different type of listening, listening to respond.
Listening deeply/holding space is listening to understand.
Psychologist Carl Rogers says that deep listening is at the heart of every healthy relationship... So let's assume it's an important skill to have.
Now for the challenge.
Can you identify people in your life who have held space for you?
or
Whom you have held space for?
I can count on one hand the number of people I trust to hold space for me.
I hope, with all my heart, that I have held space or listened deeply to more than that.
But the BIG question here is:
Was your child or were your children on your list of people that you could hold space for or listen DEEPLY?
If you need to go back and reread what that means, I'll wait. Haha!
Often times I think people easily grant a certain level of respectful listening to adults but do not offer that same level of respect in listening to children.
As caregivers it"s SO EASY to be uncomfortable with our children's BIG emotions or feelings and slip into listening to respond.
To a certain degree it is instinctual to not want our children to be uncomfortable, feel and EXPRESS those uncomfortable feelings, and to want to provide solutions and attempt to change the way they feel. I get it. It's hard.
So my challenge for you is to begin a practice of listening deeply to your child.
Listen to understand.
I'd love to tell y'all that I'm a guru at all this and that I just come by it instinctively. But no... I wasn't raised with deep listening. This is something I've learned as an adult. And something I had to relearn as a parent.
It had to begin with a change of perspective in how I saw my child.
I had to see her as an equal.
A complete person from birth, not an incomplete or adult in training.
There is no hierarchy in our relationship.
These ideas were first introduced to me by Shannon. She guided me to Janet Lansbury.
You guys are gonna get so tired of hearing me recommend you read her books and listen to her podcast, Unruffled. But I'm gonna keep preaching it.
So in Raab's description of the goals of deep listening the last goal mentioned is to:
Experience pleasure.
I'm going to share a personal story of a parenting win. One of those rare moments where I knew I was exactly what my daughter needed.
We are a military family. My husband has been in for 27 years now. He's gone at least once a month. Anywhere from 3 days to 6 weeks at a time. These times are hard for all of us, particularly, my daughter, Janey. A couple of years ago Jason had a 6 week army thing (best army wife ever). He'd been gone a few days and Janey was feeling it. She was irritable. I sensed a low level quiet anger in her.
So unusual for her.
Instinctively I knew she missed Jason.
She was angry that he was gone.
I'd been listening deeply in the sense of observing. It was time to get in bed and she broke wide open. Sobbing, yelling that she missed daddy. I was able to drop to my knees right there and open my arms. She sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. Yelling over and over that she missed daddy. I held her tightly and very quietly said, I know. We stayed there for a long time. She had HUGE feelings that needed to be expressed.
She didn't need me to tell her it was alright.
She didn't need me to try to redirect or change the way she was feeling.
She didn't need me to say, don't worry we're meeting him halfway in 2 weeks.
What she needed was to have me hold space for her.
A safe place to feel, express, and move through her feelings. I remember it like it was yesterday. Probably 20 minutes we stayed there. As hard as it was to see Janey so upset it brings me so much joy to know that in that moment in time I was able to provide exactly what she needed.
A safe place to be heard. That is experiencing joy by listening deeply.
Ok so podcast to listen to... any one of Unruffled by Janet Lansbury. Kidding not kidding. I'll throw out one that I've listened to more than once in the past week:
April 2, 2019 5 Best Ways to Communicate Respectful Parenting (to Friends, Relatives, and Strangers)
Book recommendation:
Waiting by Kevin Henkes.
This is a beautiful picture book that we've read many times at Wonder Studio. I think the title, Waiting, is such an important part of listening deeply. It imparts a beautiful quiet sense of waiting and watching. A perfect book to invite quiet reflection.
I hope you found something in this helpful. I can't wait to see my class Friday! Love and Peace to all!
Love,
Amy
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