Week 4: Tenderness
Training in Tenderness by Dzigar Kongtrul is a little book I have carried around with me almost everywhere for the past year. I have read and highlighted this book many times. And, yet, the ability to stay with tenderness has been difficult. I guess my first success has been to at least notice when tenderness arises and when it doesn’t. I can’t really say why this feels important to me, but I know that it is.
One thing I have learned is, what blocks tenderness for me? Surprise! My ego.
I talked with a past client a few days ago..she recalled her memory of bringing her youngest son to Wonder Studio and she shared with me her fears of what I must have thought of him.
I couldn’t stop myself from interrupting her to tell her that I never thought anything negative. However, she quickly moved on and I could tell she didn’t believe me.
Now, looking back on our conversation (as one does ;), she didn’t need me to defend my goodness and my non-judgemental self...she just needed to say how she felt about his (and her) experience at Wonder Studio.
Tenderness means to open my heart and get past those feelings of “me, me, me!”
I have also noticed that tenderness can evoke a bitter sadness at times. After visiting Harry Potter World at Universal...my son realized that even though he had a wand, it actually wasn’t going to perform magic, he was devastated. When we got back to our hotel room, I couldn’t stop crying. The magic of childhood coming to an end was so very tender.
Tenderness means being open, being vulnerable.
At a recent event, we had a Wonder Studio table set up and a father and daughter came over to participate. The father had a tattoo that said, “ Trust No One.” He looked like a tough guy and I could feel my heart closing off , but then… he leaned over so tenderly with his daughter to watch her paint, that immediately, my tender heart came online and all judgement flew away.
Tenderness means letting go of judgement.
I remember a recent Wonder Studio class and a father who gave clear boundaries when his 2 year old pulled the 4 year old’s hair. He tenderly unraveled the 2 year old’s tightly clenched hands around his 4 year old, he was in complete control and with radiant tenderness, held her outside until she calmed down.
Tenderness is an intention we can choose each day because of wanting to feel connected to others.
But, as with all the words we have said thus far, this is a practice. But, in this case and so many others, practice will never make perfect. Instead, practice is a promise we make with ourselves to just keep trying.
Please share your thoughts on tenderness.
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I look forward to seeing all of you next week as we tenderly attempt our first Quiet Observation class. In our last Wonder Studio teacher meeting, all of us agreed that we are hoping to get more experience with quiet observation as it continues to offer big learning for both us and we hope you guys.
If you’re not sure what quiet observation time is: read here:
Resources: Can I urge you to not use Amazon to order your books for a time?
I have 3 resources below that are amazing.
Are you looking for books that represent and are authored/illustrated by diverse peoples?
1. Please check out the website below.
2. We have a new local bookshop that curates wonderful books for both adults and kiddos...
Tombolo Books, PLEASE go visit and support this amazing establishment and let’s keep things local!!
3. The Library.
Children’s books on heart:
My Heart by Corinna Luyken:
Guys, I love this book so much. It talks about the heart and how sometimes it’s open and sometimes it’s closed and how that’s ok. What a great conversation starter for any age group. I read it with my 12 year old and we both loved it.
My Heart Fills with Happiness by Monique Gray Smith and Illustrated by Julie Flett
This book represents children with brown skin tones (which I am actively on the hunt for) and specific activities that invite one’s heart to be happy. Great to read with your children and then reflect on what makes their heart feel happy.
Podcast:
Tara Brach is a Buddhist meditation teacher who I admire greatly. This talk is about getting in touch with tenderness.
And, Pope Francis started a Tenderness Revolution with his TED talk here:
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