Week 5: Deep Listening

This week’s newsletter is from Friday’s Teacher Amy. She has really outdone herself here. I hope you will read this article and really contemplate what she advises. I have read this one about 3 times so far. 

May we all listen deeply to our children so that one day they too will listen deeply to their children. 

This past week (tenderness), we were able to practice deep listening through our first Quiet Observation week. I urge you to build the practice of quiet observation into your lives with your children. 

If you feel moved or a sense of gratitude for this note, please respond to this email or to Amy directly to let her know you read this message. That lets us know that this work matters to you.

You can also hashtag us on FB or Instagram @thewonderstudio #thewonderstudiodeeplistening

Hello Wonderers!  

Our practice for the week is listening deeply. 

What does it mean to listen deeply? 

In an article for Psychology Today, Diana Raab Phd says the goal of deep listening is to:

1. Acquire information

2. Understand a person or a situation

and

3. Experience pleasure. 

She goes on to say that active listening is about making a conscious decision to hear what people are saying. It's about being completely focused on others- their words and their messages- without being distracted. 

I would add, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. 

I call this level of listening, holding space. It's not a term I coined myself. I'm sure I stole it from Brene Brown. 

I think of holding space in a very visual way. 

I see myself providing a protective bubble around the speaker and the listener. 

In this bubble there can be no judgement. 

It is a  SAFE place for someone to tell their story, experience and share their feelings freely, and it is my job to keep that bubble in place. 

Listening deeply or as I like to call it, holding space is NOT about attempting to solve a problem or offer solutions. That's a different type of listening, listening to respond. 

Listening deeply/holding space is listening to understand. 

Psychologist Carl Rogers says that deep listening is at the heart of every healthy relationship... So let's assume it's an important skill to have.

Now for the challenge. 

Can you identify people in your life who have held space for you?

or 

Whom you have held space for? 

I can count on one hand the number of people I trust to hold space for me. 

I hope, with all my heart, that I have held space or listened deeply to more than that. 

But the BIG question here is:

Was your child or were your children on your list of people that you could hold space for or listen DEEPLY? 

If you need to go back and reread what that means, I'll wait. Haha! 

Often times I think people easily grant a certain level of respectful listening to adults but do not offer that same level of respect in listening to children. 

As caregivers it"s SO EASY to be uncomfortable with our children's BIG emotions or feelings and slip into listening to respond. 

To a certain degree it is instinctual to not want our children to be uncomfortable, feel and EXPRESS those uncomfortable feelings, and to want to provide solutions and attempt to change the way they feel. I get it. It's hard. 

So my challenge for you is to begin a practice of listening deeply to your child. 

Listen to understand. 

I'd love to tell y'all that I'm a guru at all this and that I just come by it instinctively. But no... I wasn't raised with deep listening. This is something I've learned as an adult. And something I had to relearn as a parent. 

It had to begin with a change of perspective in how I saw my child. 

I had to see her as an equal. 

A complete person from birth, not an incomplete or adult in training. 

There is no hierarchy in our relationship. 

These ideas were first introduced to me by Shannon. She guided me to Janet Lansbury. 

You guys are gonna get so tired of hearing me recommend you read her books and listen to her podcast, Unruffled. But I'm gonna keep preaching it. 

So in Raab's description of the goals of deep listening the last goal mentioned is to:

Experience pleasure. 

I'm going to share a personal story of a parenting win. One of those rare moments where I knew I was exactly what my daughter needed. 

We are a military family. My husband has been in for 27 years now. He's gone at least once a month. Anywhere from 3 days to 6 weeks at a time. These times are hard for all of us, particularly, my daughter, Janey. A couple of years ago Jason had a 6 week army thing (best army wife ever). He'd been gone a few days and Janey was feeling it. She was irritable. I sensed a low level quiet anger in her. 

So unusual for her. 

Instinctively I knew she missed Jason. 

She was angry that he was gone. 

I'd been listening deeply in the sense of observing. It was time to get in bed and she broke wide open. Sobbing, yelling that she missed daddy. I was able to drop to my knees right there and open my arms. She sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. Yelling over and over that she missed daddy. I held her tightly and very quietly said, I know. We stayed there for a long time. She had HUGE feelings that needed to be expressed. 

She didn't need me to tell her it was alright. 

She didn't need me to try to redirect or change the way she was feeling. 

She didn't need me to say, don't worry we're meeting him halfway in 2 weeks. 

What she needed was to have me hold space for her. 

A safe place to feel, express, and move through her feelings. I remember it like it was yesterday. Probably 20 minutes we stayed there. As hard as it was to see Janey so upset it brings me so much joy to know that in that moment in time I was able to provide exactly what she needed. 

A safe place to be heard. That is experiencing joy by listening deeply.

Ok so podcast to listen to... any one of Unruffled by Janet Lansbury. Kidding not kidding. I'll throw out one that I've listened to more than once in the past week: 

April 2, 2019  5 Best Ways to Communicate Respectful Parenting (to Friends, Relatives, and Strangers)

Book recommendation: 

Waiting by Kevin Henkes. 

This is a beautiful picture book that we've read many times at Wonder Studio. I think the title, Waiting, is such an important part of listening deeply. It imparts a beautiful quiet sense of waiting and watching. A perfect book to invite quiet reflection.

I hope you found something in this helpful. I can't wait to see my class Friday!  Love and Peace to all!

Love,

Amy

Tenderness: Week 4

Week 4: Tenderness

Training in Tenderness by Dzigar Kongtrul is a little book I have carried around with me almost everywhere for the past year. I have read and highlighted this book many times. And, yet, the ability to stay with tenderness has been difficult. I guess my first success has been to at least notice when tenderness arises and when it doesn’t. I can’t really say why this feels important to me, but I know that it is. 

One thing I have learned is, what blocks tenderness for me?  Surprise! My ego. 

I talked with a past client a few days ago..she recalled her memory of bringing her youngest son to Wonder Studio and she shared with me her fears of what I must have thought of him.

I couldn’t stop myself from interrupting her to tell her that I never thought anything negative. However, she quickly moved on and I could tell she didn’t believe me.  

Now, looking back on our conversation (as one does ;), she didn’t need me to defend my goodness and my non-judgemental self...she just needed to say how she felt about his (and her) experience at Wonder Studio. 

Tenderness means to open my heart and get past those feelings of “me, me, me!”

I have also noticed that tenderness can evoke a bitter sadness at times. After visiting Harry Potter World at Universal...my son realized that even though he had a wand, it actually wasn’t going to perform magic, he was devastated. When we got back to our hotel room, I couldn’t stop crying. The magic of childhood coming to an end was so very tender. 

Tenderness means being open, being vulnerable. 

At a recent event, we had a Wonder Studio table set up and a father and daughter came over to participate. The father had a tattoo that said, “ Trust No One.” He looked like a tough guy and I could feel my heart closing off , but then… he leaned over so tenderly with his daughter to watch her paint, that immediately, my tender heart came online and all judgement flew away. 

Tenderness means letting go of judgement. 

I remember a recent Wonder Studio class and a father who gave clear boundaries when his 2 year old pulled the 4 year old’s hair. He tenderly unraveled the 2 year old’s tightly clenched hands around his 4 year old, he was in complete control and with radiant tenderness, held her outside until she calmed down.  

Tenderness is an intention we can choose each day because of wanting to feel connected to others. 

But, as with all the words we have said thus far, this is a practice.  But, in this case and so many others, practice will never make perfect. Instead, practice is a promise we make with ourselves to just keep trying. 

Please share your thoughts on tenderness. 

You can reply to this email or do our hashtag system:

#thewonderstudiotenderness on FB or Instagram

You can find us at:

@thewonderstudio

I look forward to seeing all of you next week as we tenderly attempt our first Quiet Observation class. In our last Wonder Studio teacher meeting, all of us agreed that we are hoping to get more experience with quiet observation as it continues to offer big learning for both us and we hope you guys. 

If you’re not sure what quiet observation time is: read here:

https://thewonderstudio.blogspot.com/p/quiet-observation-time.html

Resources: Can I urge you to not use Amazon to order your books for a time?

I have 3 resources below that are amazing.

Are you looking for books that represent and are authored/illustrated by diverse peoples? 

1. Please check out the website below.

https://www.theconsciouskid.org

2. We have a new local bookshop that curates wonderful books for both adults and kiddos...

Tombolo Books, PLEASE go visit and support this amazing establishment and let’s keep things local!!

https://tombolobooks.com/

3. The Library. 

Children’s books on heart:

My Heart by Corinna Luyken: 

Guys, I love this book so much. It talks about the heart and how sometimes it’s open and sometimes it’s closed and how that’s ok. What a great conversation starter for any age group. I read it with my 12 year old and we both loved it.

My Heart Fills with Happiness by Monique Gray Smith and Illustrated by Julie Flett

This book represents children with brown skin tones (which I am actively on the hunt for) and specific activities that invite one’s heart to be happy. Great to read with your children and then reflect on what makes their heart feel happy. 

Podcast:

Tara Brach is a Buddhist meditation teacher who I admire greatly. This talk is about getting in touch with tenderness. 

https://www.tarabrach.com/revolution-tenderness-part-1/

And, Pope Francis started a Tenderness Revolution with his TED talk here:

https://www.ted.com/talks/his_holiness_pope_francis_why_the_only_future_worth_building_includes_everyone#t-1054808

Patience : Winter/Spring 2020 : Week 3

Word of the week - Patience

Hello Wonder Families! I’m Jamilee and I teach the Thursday morning class. Our word for this week is Patience. Oooooh boy. This is a big one for me. Just as Amy said with Trust, I feel that Patience is a practice. And it is a practice I struggle with big time. With 3 kids ages 5 and under, I need a LOT of patience and some days, I don’t always have it. It’s also a trait I want to foster in my children (maybe because I seem to have so little of it?!), so how do I do that when I feel like I am constantly losing my patience with them?

I practice. And I mess up… a lot. Then, I admit my mistakes and I ask for forgiveness. This happens several times a day in my house. It is hard being a parent, especially an introverted one, with several small children. They need so much from me. It is constant questions, stories, needing snuggles, snacks, more questions, drinks, reading stories, more questions, telling me what to do… it is SO. MUCH. And don’t get me started on potty training. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by it all, it’s no wonder I lose my patience. Even though I know what to do, and I know the things I am “supposed” to say to my children, I lose my patience and I mess it all up. Usually after losing my cool and snapping at one of my kids, I feel so guilty. But, I KNOW that they learn so much in the repair. So, I admit I lost my patience and I apologize. I tell my kids that patience is a virtue I am actively working on and that I struggle with it. They understand. Because they lose their patience, too.

How can we foster patience in our kids in addition to admitting our own mistakes? Make them wait for things. While they may not like it, in this fast-paced, instant gratification world, it is by doing that they will learn. If this is something you struggle with, I recommend this podcast:

Parent Cue Live, Episode 71: How to Teach Your Kid Patience in an Impatient World

https://theparentcue.org/pcl-71-how-to-teach-your-kids-patience-in-an-impatient-world/.

Your homework for the week is to choose an activity to do with your child that makes them have to wait. For instance, water beads take time to grow. You need to place them in water and wait until they are ready. Or, you could create something with air dry clay and wait for it to dry before you can paint it. Even baking cookies or some other sweet treat is a great way to teach patience. Not only do you have to wait for them to bake, but you need to wait for them to cool down before you can eat them!

In addition, notice when you are being impatient with your child. 

Pause, breath, and deliberately change your pace. 

Slow down. 

Then notice how your child reacts to your change of pace. When I remember to do this, to pause before reacting when I feel like I am about to explode, the change of attitude in the room is palpible. Or maybe it just feels that way because I am being mindful of it. Either way, I consider it a major victory in my day of parenting.

As a recommendation for a children’s book to read with your child about Patience, try 

If You Want to See a Whale - by Julie Fogliano and Erin E. Stead.

And, if you try any of the above suggestions, feel free to share your feedback, offer suggestions, share your story, and even share on social media with #wonderstudiopatience and #wonderstudiobravery

Trust: Winter/Spring 2020 Session: Class 2

Trust:

Hello Wonder families. Amy here. Our word for the upcoming week is TRUST... It's a big one, right? A challenging one. Maybe that's just me. But I'm guessing some of you may struggle with it too. So I'd like to share some of my thoughts and feelings on this practice of trust. Because for me, that's truly what it is, a practice. A constant, daily, moment by moment practice.

#thewonderstudiotrust

When I first started thinking about how I would talk about this practice of trust I thought, well what is the opposite of trust? And for me, it is fear. Fear. Worry. Doubt. Resistance. All the really fun feels (insert eye roll and big sigh). I don't know about you guys, but these feelings skyrocketed when I became a parent. I had been living a life based on trust and dependence on a power greater than myself for many years before I became a parent. I was experienced and well versed in the practice of trust in something bigger than me... Sorry guys, I can't talk about trust without getting spiritual here. But bare with me. When I became a parent though, it felt like EVERYTHING concerning my child depended on ME. I was responsible for her well being, her health, whether she slept through the night, whether she didn't, if she ate well, if and when she met her developmental milestones, diaper rash... I mean seriously, the list is never ending. And if there were ANY problems, bumps in the road, or challenges? They were MY fault! Clearly! Hopefully I've given you a picture of what the opposite of trust looks like. Maybe you can relate.

So what trust looks like to me as a parent is a lot of different things. The biggest, being acceptance. Accepting that I am right where I am supposed to be. That my child is right where she is supposed to be. That I am the parent my child needs and that she is the teacher I need. It looks like letting go and turning it over to a power greater than myself. For myself, I call it God. But sometimes it's Nature. Sometimes it's Love. And sometimes it's the simple reality of what Is. Practicing trust is watching for the opposite of it. It's me trying to catch myself when my head starts to worry. When the fear creeps in. Me practicing trust looks like a lot of deep cleansing breathes and reminding myself that I'm not in control of everything. Me practicing trust is reminding myself that I am ok, my child is ok, and we are right where we're supposed to be both in our individual journeys and in our journey together... Don't get the wrong idea in thinking I do this easily or perfectly... Sometimes I really have to struggle and wear myself out before I exhaust myself, my family, and usually make a big ole mess before I'm willing to let go of the reins and turn it over to Trust. It's not always pretty. And that's ok.

SO... My homework for you this week is to try to begin a practice of watching for fear. You can call it doubt, worry, anxiety, resistance... WHEN you notice it, take a BIG, DEEP, CLEANSING breathe. Take a few! Say a quick prayer if you like. I spend most of my day in prayer. Some prayers or mantras I like are: God help me. Thy will not mine. I am right where I'm supposed to be. Everything is as it should be.

A podcast I'd love for you guys to hear is Unruffled by Janet Lansbury. Episode date 6/05/19. Title, Dear Parent: You are not failing.

A book I love and that is my #1 go to is also by Janet Lansbury titled, No Bad Kids toddler discipline without shame.

I hope you find some of this helpful! I'd love to hear feedback, your own stories about trust, or your thoughts on the homework or references!

#thewonderstudiotrust

With love,
Amy

Bravery: Winter/Spring 2020: Class 1

Dear Wonder-ers,

Welcome to Wonder Studio 2020, Winter/Spring session. Our goal is for this not to just be a “session” but instead a community. Amy, Jamilee, and I (Shannon), are on this journey with you. In this email, you will find some practical information, but you will also find opportunities for inspiration. Let’s start with inspiration and end with practicality.

Homework...yep...right away we are giving you homework ;)

#thewonderstudiobravery

Each week, this semester, we will explore a “guiding word, mantra, thought, inspiration” (whatever you choose to call it).

In class, we will consider this word through the guidance of your teacher. By email (as we know many of you are working parents), we will explore ideas for home.

We offer: A children’s book that explores the topic, a podcast for you to listen to, and sometimes, a parenting book or just a chapter, and some “try this at home” tips.

You can enjoy as much or as little of these ideas as you like.

If you would like to participate in this part of our community, please hashtag #thewonderstudiobravery and any thoughts or pictures that illustrate this for you. We are on Facebook at : @thewonderstudio


Instagram: thewonderstudio


Our first Wonder Word is: Bravery.


A friend was at a craft fair out west and she stopped by an area with some children who were selling a handmade craft they had made. She asked one of the boys, “How did you make that?” He matter of factly replied, “With courage and bravery.”


Next week, when you come into Wonder Studio...many (not all ;) of the children will hide behind your legs or feel worried to come, or be hesitant to put their hand in shaving cream. And, I also know that many of the caregivers will feel the same.

We underestimate and judge ourselves harshly for how hard it is to go outside of our comfort zone. For many, the arts and sciences accomplish that goal.


We tend to think of bravery as climbing to the top of a mountain or competing in a marathon...and those acts are certainly brave...but, I am talking about the everyday bravery. Bravery to ask a high energy child to sit with you and read a book, bravery in asking the lower energy child to go outside and play chase, etc…

This week’s podcast recommendation is:

Mindful Mama: Brave not Perfect with Reshma Saujani

Episode: 177

I really enjoyed this podcast...now it does reference being a girl parent quite often, but if you are a boy parent(I am both ;) or a parent of a transgender child, there is so much here to explore. One of the main aspects is letting go of perfectionism and how perfectionism can be passed on to our children and why it prevents all of us from taking risks and ultimately experiencing happiness. And, yes, this podcast is for Dads too (regardless of the name!). Annnd, there are references to the importance of MESS making...this went straight to my heart as this is what we tell you at Wonder Studio all the time.

Children’s Book:

Nana in the City by Lauren Castillo

I LOVE this book. Lauren Castillo is one of my favorite artists and there is so much bravery in this book with the little help from a superhero cape.

I hope your family will enjoy it as ours did.

Try this at Home:

#thewonderstudiobravery

Let go of perfectionism. Can you take note of letting go of perfectionism and perhaps how it might lead you outside of your comfort zone? What does that look like for you? How does it challenge you?


Can you let your child see you make a mistake? Have a conversation about making mistakes with someone you trust.

Share with us (if you’re feeling brave ;) #thewonderstudiobravery