Listen to the Children: 10:30

I used to take my daughter to the gym so she could enjoy ALL the apparatus and equipment.  I hoped to see her enjoy running on the mat, swinging on the bars, hoping into the sponge pit, etc... However, each time we visited she wanted to spend the ENTIRE time at the trampoline! Of course, many other children were there waiting turns so we spent the hour jumping for about 3 or 4 minutes, wait for about 10 minutes, jump for 3/4 minutes, wait again, jump, wait, jump, wait!!  I was going crazy...Don't you want to go down the slide?  Don't you want to run on the mat?  Let's try something else too.  Sometimes it turned into a struggle and we both became frustrated with one another.  The times it went the best are when I accepted her need to jump.

At least I thought that was the main attraction...

So for her 3rd birthday, we thought she would be over the moon if we bought her a trampoline of her very own!  And she was excited but she hardly ever wanted to jump on it.  UNLESS we jumped with her.  Over time, I began to realize that it wasn't the jumping on the Tramp that was the main attraction...it was the waiting.  She was focusing on taking turns, waiting, being patient.  This doesn't mean she wasn't also loving the jumping part, but during the wait time, she was able to observe the other children, perhaps get new ideas about what she wanted to do when it was her turn, and watch how the teacher used her adult Power to designate whose turn was next.  

I won’t go into details on the mistakes of buying your children something they clearly enjoy somewhere else, only to find it loses its excitement when it enters your own house… We have all been there, right? 

I hear it all the time in class by the parents and nannies…”You have been in the Flour pool for a long time, don’t you want to try something else?”  “The worms again?!” These struggles are all too familiar to my own parenting experiences.  We only want our children to experience all there is in life.  Isn’t it up to us to broaden their focus, introduce them to new ideas and interests?

Recently, I have been reading more and more on personality, dispositions for learning, temperaments… Shouldn’t the goal for every human be to discover who we are?  So many of us grew up doing the dance lessons, music lessons, art lessons, honor society clubs, chess, etc… And our parents were quite proud of us and our limited skill in each of those areas!  We were so well rounded!

However, how many of us floundered in college confused about what we should do as a career?  Having no idea where our true passion was?  Some even doubting that true passion for something, anything, simply passed them by.

What would happen if we truly listened to our children?  Not only listened but respected and trusted their choices of interest?  Might we and more importantly they learn something about themselves that could help shape their passion for lifelong learning?

Sometimes interests are a passing fancy that we can’t 

quite understand the meaning behind it…but more times

than not, children are giving us lots of clues, if we can

just look deeper.

Judgement Free Zone! 9am Wonder Science

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

FDR 

Judgement is something we all do to ourselves, each other, our children and others' children.  However, this week and I hope in weeks to follow, we can remind ourselves to withhold our judgement for the hour we are at The Wonder Studio.  If we can remind ourselves that we ALL love our children and understand how that unifies us.  This type of acceptance has the ability to transform everyone in the room to be able to explore with freedom and without fear.

Years ago, when I was teaching full time, every day we would go outside to play on the playground.  And then at the end of the playtime, the children would line up by the water fountain to get a drink.  It was time consuming and patience was difficult for all of us.  But mostly I saw that it was difficult for the adults.  It was a choice for the children to stand and wait for their turn and most of them chose to do so.  One of the teachers decided she should count to 10 while each child drank from the fountain, in order to "make it fair".  I saw that it did the opposite...Before this "fair" practice came to be, some children simply took a quick sip, while others took longer.  It was clear that some were more thirsty than others.  The children easily understood this and there was no pushing or pleading for the person in front to HURRY!  After the "count to 10" technique came into play, it became so much more work.  Now the adult was in charge and had to be counting for each child.  The children no longer had nice side conversations during the wait time, it became monotonousness and boring as everyone was focused on counting to 10 over and over again.

I saw many other examples of this type of situation in which adults impose their "ruling" over the children and in their well meaning intentions to make life fair they strip away the child's sense of self-regulation and the ability to think and develop empathy for others.  

Children often take things from one another, knock down another's building, say inappropriate remarks, etc...But if you listen and look closely, they also show great generosity and their willingness to forgive is remarkable.  Too many times, we interrupt this generosity of spirit with our "adult" way of thinking that life should be fair.  When don't we know that it isn't...

Are we brave enough to adopt a philosophy of "waiting"?  Can we "wait" before we intervene with our idea of right or wrong?  We can try to at least begin with the least amount of intervention and trust that our children will sometimes need our guidance but we can also trust that problem solving is a skill they are innately driven to explore.

What is this teacher proposing, you may ask yourself?  Is this a free for all?  Is it Lord of the Flies?  

Here's what I suggest when a questionable incident occurs:

1. Wait...

2.  If one of the children is physically "hurting" another, do step in and say "I won't let you hurt her (or me, or yourself!)."

3.  If no physical harm is looming...observe the reactions of the children.

4.  Sometimes tears will happen and it's a good idea to validate those feelings.  "You are upset that Daniel took your car."

5.  Offer support through a hand, a hug, or any other sign of respect (not distraction).

Often no tears will happen and the children move on quickly and she will make a different choice or find a new car.  Sometimes Daniel might even return the car or drop it later.

We watch and withhold our judgement on both children.  We trust that they are both people with whom deserve our respect and they are learning how to communicate with one another.  One is not a bully and the other is not a victim. 

What can a child learn when another child shares or does not share with them?

What can we learn about our children when we wait and trust our child's ability to problem solve?

Go ahead, leave a comment!

I dare you!