The Other Side of Fear: Class 2 Spring 2015

"The Enemy is Fear.  We think it is Hate; but, it is fear."

                                                                   -Gandhi

Fear is something we all feel at times in our lives.

It is probably one of the most natural of feelings but also the most paralyzing. 

In fear, our body changes.  

Our brains resort to primal needs and so in a sense, our Learning, Rational brain no longer works.

As adults, we attempt to hide our fear and worries from our children.
But, children are like Bloodhounds...in that they can easily sense it.

Unfortunately, Fear disables our human capacity for Connection with others.
As a matter of fact, yesterday, I went through a few fearful hours (don't worry, all is fine!) and during those hours, I was very disconnected from my children.

They asked for my attention many times, and I gave them reason after reason why I couldn't play with them.
They understood immediately that something was amiss.  
But, they knew it had nothing to do with them.

After, a bit of a cry, and an explanation of my fear to my husband...I felt phenomenally more rational and less fearful.

However, the "danger" that triggered the Fear reaction had not dissipated...

That's the thing with fear...

Fear wants to be secretive...that's how it keeps it's hold on you.

But, once the secret is out...fear turns into connection and gives opportunity for understanding and hopefully Love.

The other day, a little boy was playing at the Water table at Wonder Studio...all the sudden, he fell.  He wasn't hurt but you could easily see that he was scared.
Because, it must be a fearful experience to... all the sudden... fall down and smack yourself on the cheek, with the floor.

His mother Could Have said to him, "You're fine, pick yourself up, stop crying."
BUT...instead...
She calmly picked him up, hugged him, and made a connection with him.
Instantly, his crying stopped and he went right back to the Water table and began again.

It's interesting to me, how parents react to a child's fears and concerns.
I see myself in ALL of you!  

Over the years, I have seen some patterns develop.

ALL KIDS have fears.

ALL parents have fears.

But, folks have very different methods in their approach to fears...

The tough love approach most often leads to a DISCONNECT between humans and seems to multiply fear.

The OVER sensitive approach often leads to a Disconnect between humans and also seems to multiply fear.

There's one approach that I most often see that leads to Connection.

Understanding and Compassion.

The scary thing about fear is... it is contagious. 

You've all seen it...if one child is crying, many others soon start, and often everyone in the room becomes uncomfortable.

It's as if all of our brains go into Instinctual mode, carefully evaluating the possibility for "Danger". 
If we sense there is no Danger...we, sometimes, are also quick to decide that No one else should sense it either.  And, that is when annoyance for the cryer leads us to an intolerant response.

When my daughter was around one years old, she became very fearful of being in group situations.  
She really didn't enjoy play dates unless it was one on one and even then it was difficult at times.

She would cry if another child touched her, even if it was just a brush on her shoulder.

As, I stated earlier, Fear is catching...I soon became Fearful that something was "wrong" with her.
That fear came very close to causing a disconnect between the two of us.

But, slowly I began to let go of "MY" expectations for my little girl and instead, I focused  my energies on accepting the little girl that was right in front of me.
The only thing "wrong" with my girl was my lack of understanding and compassion to her own fears.

Seven years later, she continues to have fears.  However, I am thankful that she shares her fears with me and my hope is that she will always do so.  Because, as I carefully react to her fears without multiplying them with my own, I notice that we continue to CONNECT.  And, when we connect, I notice her fears seem to lessen.

Because, as I have learned...Connection leads to love.

The universal truth is that Children want to Connect.  All humans want to feel a connection.  

What will happen to our children, to ourselves, if we let Fear overcome us?

"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom."

Marilyn Ferguson